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I have not had the experience
of being present when a loved one dies, but all of us, I expect, have
known & interacted with those who are well aware that they are in
their last days. It’s a humbling
& blessed time. Often we
lack confidence in the “gift of presence” we can give to the dying
person & step back. A recent
article offers us some guidelines.
Most of us would prefer to die
at home in bed, surrounded by those whom we love & admire. More & more today hospice
organizations make this possible, even though a majority of us take our
last breath in a medical or extended-care facility. Nevertheless, be prepared to offer
that gift of presence to the friend/loved one who is at the end of life
on this earth.
Back in the ‘70s, Elizabeth
Kubler-Ross wrote a landmark book on “the stages of death &
dying.” They are: denial, anger,
bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It should be noted that each stage
may not occur, or occur more than once, or occur out of order. It is good for all of us to know that
these stages also accompany our reactions to many life crises, like
divorce or other major loss.
That being said, author David
Kessler has offered his reflections on how we who must remain a while
longer can connect & care for those who are dying & moving
through these stages.
There's no "right"
way to talk to someone about approaching death. Just “be there.” & in a private moment, you might
say something like “I’m sorry about what is happening to you.” If your loved one wants to talk about
death, that will happen. If not,
be patient & listen. If you
hear “denial, anger, bargaining, depression,” simply be
supportive. It is what the
person feels. Listen! & let
your loved one come to terms with whatever the stage of what he/she is
experiencing happens. Don’t
react to the denial, anger or depression nor take it personally. It’s just a part of the process.
Try to be consistent in your
support. Even as a person slips
into a coma, try to be present, in accord with any commitment you may
have made. & once the person
has died, been grieved & celebrated, try to continue appropriate
connections with the grieving survivors.
Every weekend we acknowledge
our belief in “the communion of saints.” We have faith that the bonds of love
forged in this life are not broken by death, but continue beyond the
grave. We should be able to claim
that connection in this world & trust our loving God to keep it
safe beyond it.
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